Sometimes one of the most wonderful things is waking up and realizing what day it is. Today, is Friday. Which really doesn't mean much to me, what does mean something is it's May. My kids were both born in May. They are going to be 7 and 5 this month. This, makes me freak out just slightly. My babies, are growing up. Everyday they need me less and less. Their independence is growing with them, and I look at them and wonder where the time has gone, knowing it's going to speed up even more from here on out. I'm treasuring them more than ever, they are my rocks. The loves of my life. I'm not sure how anything would've been without them, and I wouldn't have life any other way.
I had a Doctor's appointment today. The second one in a week. They have to do lab work every six months now to check for abnormalities. Nothing last time, hopefully nothing this time as well. The new meds seem to be working better than the old. Great news for me, and everyone around me. Haha.
Just wanted to check in, lately I've been so caught up in my world, I forget there's another world out there. Peace out ya'll!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Out with the old...
Growing up, I wasn't exactly deprived, but it also wasn't the normal childhood I probably could've had knowing now what is really normal. We moved a lot, and by a lot I mean I'm pretty sure I went to about 12 different elementary schools. There was times when I didn't live with my mom even, instead I stayed with my Grandma for full school years. This was of course towards the end of elementary. Once I hit Jr. High, I had no social skills which led me to be quite the follower, and I had a very hard time when I developed relationships with new friends, keeping those friendships in tact rather than sabotaging them because in the back of my mind I was in safe survival mode with myself and I guess I realized that if I ruined my friendships and hurt people it would make it easier to say goodbye when the time came. And, the time did come because for High School I was sent to live with my other Aunt. The shock to my system was the greatest I had ever endured. This household was full of love and structure and rules. Nothing I really knew anything about (other than being on "restriction" the majority of my Jr. High years, although I'm pretty sure this was because I was the live-in babysitter for my younger siblings), therefore I rebelled. I rebelled harder than I think I ever had, I did crazy things, I hung out with my friends until the wee hours of the morning, and got myself into a lot of trouble with my Aunt and Uncle. I guess I had hoped that they might do the same thing my mom did and send me away when they couldn't handle me anymore. They never did. Instead they got me help, therapy. This came after my recklessness of getting pregnant at 16, having an abortion, and writing about how I wished I was dead. I've always been pretty good at expressing myself through words, in every capacity necessary. I had also at this point ruined one of the most important relationships I had up to this stage in my life. Things finally came to a head. I was prescribed Prozac, a numbing anti-depressant that was pretty new at that point in time, but it worked. They told me I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and this was going to solve all my problems and make everything peachy. Surprisingly it did. My grades got better, my focus was better, and my writing, well it wasn't about the afterlife anymore. I honestly owe my life to my Aunt and Uncle, because if I had stayed with my mom, I would be in a much worse place today than I am. Everything that I have been through has taught me how to be a good person, how to function like a real person in society. How not to be like the person who "bent over backwards for me my whole life". I might be wrong, but isn't that what your parent is supposed to do? But, here's how I remember it...
My mom and "legal" dad got divorced about the time I was 6. I don't remember this. I do remember my mom and all of her male friends, the hot tub, the shadow cast by the fire in the room I slept one night, the smell of the junk yard and creaky wood floors we would visit one of them at, her miscarriage of a baby boy that she wrapped in a towel and sat next to me in the car on the way to the hospital, the cold house with the monkey tree in the front yard that some guy used to put me in the corner in time out for reasons I don't remember, the night tremors I had where I was kicking and punching someone only it was my Aunt because I slept in her bed when I stayed with my Grandma. This is what I remember. I don't remember why. I don't remember the faces of the men. I remember most of them were mean, to me and to her. I am pretty sure the rest, has been blocked by my subconscious because I can barely handle thinking about these things, let alone the memories that should fill in the blanks.
Now that I'm older, I have started to realize the guilt trips, the manipulation, the judgment for my decisions, they are her way of lashing out. I'm her #1 mistake, that ruined her life at 16. It's no wonder she hates me, treats me like I'm a failure. I'm her failure. I made her fail. I was the beginning. And now I'm ending it. My relationship with her is now my failure. I've spent most of my adult years trying to please her and make her not regret me. But I'm done doing that because I don't think she will ever be proud of me. I have my own family to worry about, I am too busy being a Mother to my children and loving my life to let the negativity bring me down anymore. I'm ok. I'm going to be ok.
I'm sorry I disappointed you, I'm sorry that I brought you misery, I'm sorry that I got in the way of your life. I'm sorry that you think I "owe" you, for EVERYTHING. I'm sorry you ruined our relationship.
My mom and "legal" dad got divorced about the time I was 6. I don't remember this. I do remember my mom and all of her male friends, the hot tub, the shadow cast by the fire in the room I slept one night, the smell of the junk yard and creaky wood floors we would visit one of them at, her miscarriage of a baby boy that she wrapped in a towel and sat next to me in the car on the way to the hospital, the cold house with the monkey tree in the front yard that some guy used to put me in the corner in time out for reasons I don't remember, the night tremors I had where I was kicking and punching someone only it was my Aunt because I slept in her bed when I stayed with my Grandma. This is what I remember. I don't remember why. I don't remember the faces of the men. I remember most of them were mean, to me and to her. I am pretty sure the rest, has been blocked by my subconscious because I can barely handle thinking about these things, let alone the memories that should fill in the blanks.
Now that I'm older, I have started to realize the guilt trips, the manipulation, the judgment for my decisions, they are her way of lashing out. I'm her #1 mistake, that ruined her life at 16. It's no wonder she hates me, treats me like I'm a failure. I'm her failure. I made her fail. I was the beginning. And now I'm ending it. My relationship with her is now my failure. I've spent most of my adult years trying to please her and make her not regret me. But I'm done doing that because I don't think she will ever be proud of me. I have my own family to worry about, I am too busy being a Mother to my children and loving my life to let the negativity bring me down anymore. I'm ok. I'm going to be ok.
I'm sorry I disappointed you, I'm sorry that I brought you misery, I'm sorry that I got in the way of your life. I'm sorry that you think I "owe" you, for EVERYTHING. I'm sorry you ruined our relationship.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
2012...it's on like Donkey Kong!
Well, so far 2012 has proven to be quite the "bring it on" kinda year. The Nanny quit, Mother Nature showed us that she still "cares" about the Northwest, and the SandBAR opened. The last of the three is obviously the most fun and exciting for me. With these changes, some great things are coming about for my family and I. Speaking of family, a long lost cousin found me on Facebook. You can say what you want about social networks, but really this is a wonderful thing when you can reconnect with loved ones that you haven't seen or spoken to in upwards of 20 years.
Mother nature, she really likes to prove herself. I must say that the 8 inches of snow we ended up with was beautiful, however the ice storm that followed was the kicker. We lost power for about 30 hours, which by the way was miserable. I thought we'd be great cuddled next to the gas fireplace, but really they don't give off much heat. It got down to 53 degrees in my house before we finally decided to brave the roads and get out and about. We all of course needed it too, cabin fever was setting in and literally making us all a little crazy. The kids should remember though, the winter that we "camped" in the living room and our noses froze. I promise to respect the heater much more in the future, and Mother Nature for the matter.
Day 1
Day 2
Day 3
Ice on the windshield
The SandBAR...open at Browns Point Diner, my employer of 10 years in March...can I say I've been waiting almost my whole life for this...well yes I can. We all know that it's really only been a 1/3 of my life, but really, who's counting. You better not be, because I will find you and punch you in the face. Sorry, I still have little outbursts...that anger management is working a little, though. I am bartending, something that I've always wanted to do, and have done for short bursts here and there, but now being a permanent fixture (literally customers tell me I should be hung on the wall, although I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing), I know I'm doing what I should be, at least for now. I have fun at work, which I always have at the Diner, but now more so than ever. Come see me for a drink sometime, I'll mix you up one of our new concoctions!
Ok, so now that I have power again, I'm going to finish the laundry and get back to my normalcy. Work, play, work, play...I don't know which is which anymore!
P.S. I think about Mexico every day. The warmth mostly, but the seven days of awesome were so special to me and I can't wait to do it again. The family Hawaii trip is still on though for this year. The vacation rentals seem like a great way to go, I just need to decide what island! Thoughts?
Mother nature, she really likes to prove herself. I must say that the 8 inches of snow we ended up with was beautiful, however the ice storm that followed was the kicker. We lost power for about 30 hours, which by the way was miserable. I thought we'd be great cuddled next to the gas fireplace, but really they don't give off much heat. It got down to 53 degrees in my house before we finally decided to brave the roads and get out and about. We all of course needed it too, cabin fever was setting in and literally making us all a little crazy. The kids should remember though, the winter that we "camped" in the living room and our noses froze. I promise to respect the heater much more in the future, and Mother Nature for the matter.
Day 1
Day 2
Day 3
Ice on the windshield
And today all is melting away, all that's left is the aftermath...
The SandBAR...open at Browns Point Diner, my employer of 10 years in March...can I say I've been waiting almost my whole life for this...well yes I can. We all know that it's really only been a 1/3 of my life, but really, who's counting. You better not be, because I will find you and punch you in the face. Sorry, I still have little outbursts...that anger management is working a little, though. I am bartending, something that I've always wanted to do, and have done for short bursts here and there, but now being a permanent fixture (literally customers tell me I should be hung on the wall, although I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing), I know I'm doing what I should be, at least for now. I have fun at work, which I always have at the Diner, but now more so than ever. Come see me for a drink sometime, I'll mix you up one of our new concoctions!
Ok, so now that I have power again, I'm going to finish the laundry and get back to my normalcy. Work, play, work, play...I don't know which is which anymore!
P.S. I think about Mexico every day. The warmth mostly, but the seven days of awesome were so special to me and I can't wait to do it again. The family Hawaii trip is still on though for this year. The vacation rentals seem like a great way to go, I just need to decide what island! Thoughts?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)