I sit here and contemplate what I need to write. I don't know that I really
need to write, but it feels good sometimes to let it out of my head. I've been doing my best to move on, new job, new car, new routines, new habits, new skills...you name it, I'm trying it. Even new foods! Do you believe that I ate Thai food yesterday? Yes, me! I have witnesses! I also have been eating healthy stuff, leaving the carbs alone because they really don't help me, just hinder me. I've realized a lot in the last few days and weeks, I've started to understand who I am more and more. I've noticed that I am a different person than I used to be. My patience level for certain things and people in life is changed. I have less tolerance for the unnecessary game play that comes along with emotional relationships. I am too old to take steps back, and not make any progress forward. And, most recently I've realized that the value I place in myself means more than the value that anyone else places in me. I should've known this before, I just think I didn't want to see. Just like all of you that want to tell me something but don't...because you know as well as I do that I won't listen, I would rather learn my own lessons. Filling the void of me needs to start with me. I can't fill that void with someone or something, only I can be my hero. Effing cliche's, I always have one...
So look, I'm not going to call anyone out but myself now. After all, this is MY life right? I'm the one that needs to be held accountable for my decisions that ultimately involve other peoples decisions because I let them into my WORLD...Yep, MY world. I've found so much confusion and haven't been able to make sense of so much of it, people try and give insight or tell me how it's not supposed to be confusing, but in the end...well, everything seems to end, and I'm just as lost as I was in the beginning. I'm determined to start something and work at it and make it never end. Something I can be proud of, something I don't give up on. Something I can put all of me into and be so fulfilled that nothing else will ever matter. I want to be so sure that I never have to wonder again...
I'm giving up a lot, but gaining so much. Most importantly, I need my sanity. Being whatever it is I am, isn't working for me, so it's again time to make a change. I might drop off the grid for a while, but don't worry..."I'll be back". Much love OTHERS...
