3 years have passed since my last entry. You could say maybe my self reflection was necessary and going public with things was just not my style, but really, my lack of motivation for documenting was just not there. Realizations came and went, my truth was brought to the forefront and certain things in my life that I thought were real turned out to be a farce. Where do I start...?
I used to, before Covid, stop at Grandma's and have dinner one day a week. A lot of the family was doing those DNA tests with Ancestry and Grandma said I should do one. I told her my luck, I'd find out I wasn't Italian and my life would have been a lie. She convinced me, and next thing you know the results are in. Turns out I'm like 98% European, but not the Italian kind, the British kind. Us women are kind of good sleuths...so in my research, I found a 2nd cousin on my Paternal side and that in turn got me to her Dad, who in turn narrowed down my search to one of two men that could have really been the bio-Dad. I can't even begin to tell you the shock that settled in me, and the relief if I'm being honest. Since that day, I have found out about 3 brothers, 1 sister and so many cousins. A few of who I have met and spent time with, who have become a huge part of my life and extended family. Turns out my father, a man name Rick, passed 2 years before I got my truth. I never got to meet him, but I've met my Grandmother and she is a woman with spunk. I always lived with the fact that I barely looked like anyone in my family that I grew up with, and now I know where I get my widows peak, and my eyes, and my smile. I have people. This brings me to the part where I no longer talk to my mother. The details should be clear as to why, but it comes down to I just couldn't continue to have a relationship with her. There was just too much betrayal, too many lies.
What else...?
I admitted to myself a few years ago that my sexuality needed to be addressed. Coming out at my age was scary, and knowing some opinions that had already been voiced in the past, I didn't know how I would ever be able to be comfortable in my own skin. Turns out, that comfort, comes naturally when you find your love. It took me 45 years, 2 failed marriages, 2 of my own kids and an amazing Step-daughter to realize that living as the real me needed to happen. I'm a lesbian, through and through. Men are great, but nothing ever clicked and something was always missing. Now I see it. My puzzle pieces now fit who I am. I'm so excited for my future now, my future as me. The words LIVE YOUR TRUTH never meant so much to me as they do now.
Life is moving on, time is passing, and we are all going through something. I hope everyone is making it through these times relatively unscathed. Hopefully, we all continue to appreciate the paths we are put on, they are intentional and specifically meant for you.
It's amazing to me the amount of growth we all go through. I can't believe reading some of the things I've written, were actually me. The only 2 things guaranteed in life are death and change. I guess it's time to really embrace that cliche, at least the change part. I'm looking forward to living, and having and doing all the great things I can.
