Friday, June 21, 2013
Peace. Love. Happiness.
Sometimes all you need is a little tranquility to show you what life is all about. A little Peace. I've felt at peace since I've made some of the decisions that I've made lately. But, for some reason, my peace was still a little rippled. Like when the water is at it's calmest, and then you drop a rock in. The ripple effect is what I am talking about here. Trying to be level headed at this point in my life has been hard, with all that I've dealt with lately, what he did, what I did...what he didn't do, what I didn't do. Really, it's all irrelevant at this point, what is relevant is that being in Lincoln City with my Dad and Step-Mom today has brought some instant clarity to me. I feel like I'm still on the roller coaster of life some days, but not today.
We drove 4 1/2 hours to get to our destination today, the endless "are we there yet?" and "how much longer?". I'm actually surprised I didn't get more than one "can we make a pit stop yet?", and there was no "I'm hungry". When we got here, we were immediately walking to the beach, the kids' feet were in the sand and I was the mule...carrying shoes, socks and sweaters... It was an absolutely beautiful day at the beach today, so beautiful that after dinner and a walk to the store, we went back to play in the sand some more and watch the sunset. These are the moments, the ones I live for. I realized it more today, than I normally do. I actually stopped, and felt like the world stopped with me. I felt like it was just me and the kids, no one else mattered, no one else around. (Well, until some stupid little fuck decided he was going to throw a firecracker and it landed by Khilee. Let's just say I almost went to jail, and the world suddenly appeared before my eyes, with a RED tint. He got a piece of my mind as he was running from me.)
So, I know you are thinking to yourself right now, this girl is crazy. She is losing her mind. Well...here's what I say to you. I'm not losing my mind, I'm finding my heart. I'm finding my smile. I'm feeling every moment right now, and unfortunately (or fortunately) you all get to feel it with me whether you want to or not. All the pain, all the heartache, all the anger...well, it's accompanied by peace, love and happiness. At least I'm pulling myself out of the ditches I end up in, right? I've learned, or am learning, to love myself again. I didn't know how great it felt, especially since it allows others to love me more. One day, every single thing will make sense. It will be like a light bulb, as cliche as it is. And, it will be perfect.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
You can't handle the TRUTH!
Sometimes I leave out information in conversation, it helps to not hurt peoples feelings, especially if you know something will. Omitting "none of your business" information is not lying, it's simply following that tried-and-true rule of "If you don't have anything nice to say, Don't say anything at all". It's NOT nice to rub something wonderful in someones face if you know it will hurt them. Let me tell you what I'm getting at...
Sunday, the shit hit the fan. I got a call from the kids' Dad. Yelling. Angry. You know why? I didn't text or call and tell him Happy Father's Day. First: Last I checked, that's not my job anymore. Second: Refer back to the First. Maybe that's me being Super Bitch, and yes I'm thankful for my children you gave me, but really? Everyone texts you and calls you to tell you Happy Father's Day, but because I don't it's all of a sudden the end all to the world? I will tell you Thank You for my children, which I did the night before, but don't expect all that relationship shit anymore. I'm not going to go out of my way to make you feel good about yourself anymore. Again, not my job. My job: Be a Mom to my kids.
This of course developed in to more than just me not saying those words. And, hey, maybe this development was the real reason why the anger was so strong. Here's why I say I omitted information. I found my High School Sweetheart last Tuesday. We saw each other again, in our way, together, on Thursday. It was like there wasn't 20 years between us. It was like old times. It was the Ryan and Jess show. Those of you that knew us back then know what I'm talking about. We were inseparable, together every possible moment. We were happy. I've seen him every day since Thursday, may I add, and it keeps me smiling. The kids' Dad found out about Ryan, and that I have been spending time with him. That he "knows" all about it. So here's the deal. I don't care that you "know" all about him. I would've told you had I known you could "handle the TRUTH". Clearly though, you couldn't. You flipped out. Might I remind you, I'm moving on, I'm at peace, and I probably quit giving 2 shits months ago when I found out about your BITCH. So, please don't blame me, because it was so much easier when I found out about BITCH #2. You made it easy for me, I was done, but wanted to be sure. I took some time while you were gone, and I found Saturday. Saturday was wonderful, but temporary. We both knew it, which is why it was so easy. Remember taking the "relationship" out of the "relationship"? That's what Saturday was. No relationship, just sex. Yep, that's right. Just sex. And, it was effing amazing. Don't tell me that you "know". Because you don't. I didn't lie. I withheld information that was frankly NOT your business. Now you know. You should be careful about looking for the TRUTH, you may be surprised at what you find.
You do what you do, you do it best. I'll do what I do, I do it best. That's all there is. That's it. Be mad, get over it, move on. I was, I did, and I am.
Sunday, the shit hit the fan. I got a call from the kids' Dad. Yelling. Angry. You know why? I didn't text or call and tell him Happy Father's Day. First: Last I checked, that's not my job anymore. Second: Refer back to the First. Maybe that's me being Super Bitch, and yes I'm thankful for my children you gave me, but really? Everyone texts you and calls you to tell you Happy Father's Day, but because I don't it's all of a sudden the end all to the world? I will tell you Thank You for my children, which I did the night before, but don't expect all that relationship shit anymore. I'm not going to go out of my way to make you feel good about yourself anymore. Again, not my job. My job: Be a Mom to my kids.
This of course developed in to more than just me not saying those words. And, hey, maybe this development was the real reason why the anger was so strong. Here's why I say I omitted information. I found my High School Sweetheart last Tuesday. We saw each other again, in our way, together, on Thursday. It was like there wasn't 20 years between us. It was like old times. It was the Ryan and Jess show. Those of you that knew us back then know what I'm talking about. We were inseparable, together every possible moment. We were happy. I've seen him every day since Thursday, may I add, and it keeps me smiling. The kids' Dad found out about Ryan, and that I have been spending time with him. That he "knows" all about it. So here's the deal. I don't care that you "know" all about him. I would've told you had I known you could "handle the TRUTH". Clearly though, you couldn't. You flipped out. Might I remind you, I'm moving on, I'm at peace, and I probably quit giving 2 shits months ago when I found out about your BITCH. So, please don't blame me, because it was so much easier when I found out about BITCH #2. You made it easy for me, I was done, but wanted to be sure. I took some time while you were gone, and I found Saturday. Saturday was wonderful, but temporary. We both knew it, which is why it was so easy. Remember taking the "relationship" out of the "relationship"? That's what Saturday was. No relationship, just sex. Yep, that's right. Just sex. And, it was effing amazing. Don't tell me that you "know". Because you don't. I didn't lie. I withheld information that was frankly NOT your business. Now you know. You should be careful about looking for the TRUTH, you may be surprised at what you find.
You do what you do, you do it best. I'll do what I do, I do it best. That's all there is. That's it. Be mad, get over it, move on. I was, I did, and I am.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
"Relationship"
Lately I've been doing quite a bit of reading and exploring of the different kinds of relationship styles in different cultures. I feel like if I have a better understanding of a human relationship, maybe everything will just click one day and it will all make sense. Everything before, everything now, everything after. It's been a confusing journey for me, but someday...
This may shock and surprise a lot of my readers, but I am bisexual. Have been for as long as I can remember. Had crushes on other girls when I was growing up, although none of them knew, nor were any of them close enough to me to even think it was them, ever. Once I was out of High School I started to explore my sexuality more. I had a few girlfriends, some serious, some not so serious. Now, looking back on relationships that I had with women, I know that now, those relationships would be just that. A full blown relationship. Women I spent time with, doing "relationship" things with, being intimate, going shopping for stuff at home, getting our nails done together, going to dinner. It all was that kind of stuff. I had a fair amount of girlfriends. All knew about each other, and I "slept" with them all. Like, was intimate with all of them. Kista was my favorite. Ours was easy, she had a son, who I helped raise during the time we were "together". She is still doing movies, of the XXX rated variety. We had a lot of fun together, and I couldn't even tell you right now why we aren't still together. It might be because she had a stronger desire for the male variety, and she needed more excitement than just me. Although, we had some excitement. I digress. So, I've been most recently investigating Polyamory. For those of you who don't know what Poly is, basically the definition is Poly=Many, Amore=Love, Many Loves. It is the belief that human nature is to NOT be monogamous, that humans were not meant to love only one person and not to be intimately involved with only one person. The human species was meant to love many. Poly's develop a hierarchy, they have a primary "mate" and secondary "mates". They are safe with all they are intimate with, and every person involved in the Poly relationship is aware of the others. Rule #1 in Poly is TRUST and HONESTY. They have in most cases met each other, and in some cases, they have been intimate with each other as well. There are many different varieties of Polyamory, in fact one of those is Polygamy. I watch Sister Wives, I know how that works, and it is a different kind of Poly that interested me. What interested me is the fact that research has been done and I now know that I am not supposed to be monogamous, that I'm not emotionally built for it (you aren't either, may I add). This information, no matter how small, big, factual or not is still intriguing to me. I can conspiracy theory the shit out of you right now and remind you of the divorce rate among us now a days, and then you can tell me your opinion. How many of you have cheated on your spouse, because you've gotten attention elsewhere one way or another? You don't have to answer, just bringing you to your own attention. Don't throw stones when you live in a glass house, right? That's how it goes? Let me tell you what my kind of cheating was. My work was the "other person". I was having an affair with my work. I enjoyed it more than I enjoyed home. I got attention. I was needed. I was important. Do I need to keep going? Unfortunately it was too late even after I made work not as important, because he found emotional attention somewhere else. Trying to understand people, men and women, well we are all the same. There's no book, or training that we are pulled aside for in Kindergarten to be ingrained with. We all are looking for something, and how we find it is irrelevant, as long as we find it. It comes down to trying to be happy. Keeping a smile on to share with everyone you encounter. Doing what you know in your heart is right. Growing to be a better you. Are you still with me or did I lose you?
Basically what I have concluded is this: I am not meant to spend the rest of my life with one person. I am meant to be happy in every capacity and if I find that in multiple people, well so be it. I'm tired of hiding and pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of people not knowing who I used to be or who I am. Remember, emotional species? I don't need approval, because my name is Jessica, and I approve this message.
This may shock and surprise a lot of my readers, but I am bisexual. Have been for as long as I can remember. Had crushes on other girls when I was growing up, although none of them knew, nor were any of them close enough to me to even think it was them, ever. Once I was out of High School I started to explore my sexuality more. I had a few girlfriends, some serious, some not so serious. Now, looking back on relationships that I had with women, I know that now, those relationships would be just that. A full blown relationship. Women I spent time with, doing "relationship" things with, being intimate, going shopping for stuff at home, getting our nails done together, going to dinner. It all was that kind of stuff. I had a fair amount of girlfriends. All knew about each other, and I "slept" with them all. Like, was intimate with all of them. Kista was my favorite. Ours was easy, she had a son, who I helped raise during the time we were "together". She is still doing movies, of the XXX rated variety. We had a lot of fun together, and I couldn't even tell you right now why we aren't still together. It might be because she had a stronger desire for the male variety, and she needed more excitement than just me. Although, we had some excitement. I digress. So, I've been most recently investigating Polyamory. For those of you who don't know what Poly is, basically the definition is Poly=Many, Amore=Love, Many Loves. It is the belief that human nature is to NOT be monogamous, that humans were not meant to love only one person and not to be intimately involved with only one person. The human species was meant to love many. Poly's develop a hierarchy, they have a primary "mate" and secondary "mates". They are safe with all they are intimate with, and every person involved in the Poly relationship is aware of the others. Rule #1 in Poly is TRUST and HONESTY. They have in most cases met each other, and in some cases, they have been intimate with each other as well. There are many different varieties of Polyamory, in fact one of those is Polygamy. I watch Sister Wives, I know how that works, and it is a different kind of Poly that interested me. What interested me is the fact that research has been done and I now know that I am not supposed to be monogamous, that I'm not emotionally built for it (you aren't either, may I add). This information, no matter how small, big, factual or not is still intriguing to me. I can conspiracy theory the shit out of you right now and remind you of the divorce rate among us now a days, and then you can tell me your opinion. How many of you have cheated on your spouse, because you've gotten attention elsewhere one way or another? You don't have to answer, just bringing you to your own attention. Don't throw stones when you live in a glass house, right? That's how it goes? Let me tell you what my kind of cheating was. My work was the "other person". I was having an affair with my work. I enjoyed it more than I enjoyed home. I got attention. I was needed. I was important. Do I need to keep going? Unfortunately it was too late even after I made work not as important, because he found emotional attention somewhere else. Trying to understand people, men and women, well we are all the same. There's no book, or training that we are pulled aside for in Kindergarten to be ingrained with. We all are looking for something, and how we find it is irrelevant, as long as we find it. It comes down to trying to be happy. Keeping a smile on to share with everyone you encounter. Doing what you know in your heart is right. Growing to be a better you. Are you still with me or did I lose you?
Basically what I have concluded is this: I am not meant to spend the rest of my life with one person. I am meant to be happy in every capacity and if I find that in multiple people, well so be it. I'm tired of hiding and pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of people not knowing who I used to be or who I am. Remember, emotional species? I don't need approval, because my name is Jessica, and I approve this message.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Distractions.
I don't know that I really even need to explain it. After what has happened, I find myself looking for distractions from the dealing that has to happen. Don't get me wrong, I know it's real. I know that it has happened and decisions have been made and there's no going back from that, even if I wanted to, which I don't. I'm fine doing my own thing, and focusing where I need to focus.
I'm finding lately that I have so much to say, yet the strength to say such things doesn't exist. Some days I want to scream and yell, other days I would love to just stay in my bed and watch movies all day and drink my coffee. I guess this is what happens right? The roller coaster of emotional shit just keeps going until it runs off the track, or stops for you to get off. In light of all that though, I think I'm keeping it together pretty well. I do find myself grasping, reaching, clinging, hanging on every word, look, touch that I get from others. Details again are not relevant, but, knowing and feeling what I have lately would ruin me for anyone. My vagueness is hard even for me, I thrive on details.
Here's some details. Last night, about 8 of us went to Jakes on 4th in Olympia. Jakes, for those of you who don't know, is a gay bar. The dancing, the drinks, the "judgement free zone". Incredible. Remind me NOT to wear my boots with the 3 inch heals next time though. We danced, we drank, we had the best time just being. Everyone there was wonderful, even the strangers, so considerate, friendly. No one looked at you like you were meat, or like you didn't belong. I felt like it was a good energy to be in.
I'm finding that not trying gets me further than trying. I'm also finding that I don't need anyone to complete me like I first thought. I complete me. It's so Jerry McGuire, but it's my reality. My reality is me and my babies. My reality is being a single mom, that is about to bust ass to make sure my babies get what they need and don't suffer because I am. My head is right this time, it took so long last time to get to this point 6 years ago. Almost exactly 6 years ago.
Remember Pretty Woman? No kissing on the mouth, it's too personal. Live it.
I'm finding lately that I have so much to say, yet the strength to say such things doesn't exist. Some days I want to scream and yell, other days I would love to just stay in my bed and watch movies all day and drink my coffee. I guess this is what happens right? The roller coaster of emotional shit just keeps going until it runs off the track, or stops for you to get off. In light of all that though, I think I'm keeping it together pretty well. I do find myself grasping, reaching, clinging, hanging on every word, look, touch that I get from others. Details again are not relevant, but, knowing and feeling what I have lately would ruin me for anyone. My vagueness is hard even for me, I thrive on details.
Here's some details. Last night, about 8 of us went to Jakes on 4th in Olympia. Jakes, for those of you who don't know, is a gay bar. The dancing, the drinks, the "judgement free zone". Incredible. Remind me NOT to wear my boots with the 3 inch heals next time though. We danced, we drank, we had the best time just being. Everyone there was wonderful, even the strangers, so considerate, friendly. No one looked at you like you were meat, or like you didn't belong. I felt like it was a good energy to be in.
I'm finding that not trying gets me further than trying. I'm also finding that I don't need anyone to complete me like I first thought. I complete me. It's so Jerry McGuire, but it's my reality. My reality is me and my babies. My reality is being a single mom, that is about to bust ass to make sure my babies get what they need and don't suffer because I am. My head is right this time, it took so long last time to get to this point 6 years ago. Almost exactly 6 years ago.
Remember Pretty Woman? No kissing on the mouth, it's too personal. Live it.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The writer in me...
Always wants to come out...even when it's not appropriate, or when things are just better left unsaid. But, here I am, letting her out again this week. Sometimes I have to wonder if I really am 2 different people. I know that I'm not, but Hey, wouldn't that be kind of fun? To go back and read something and realize it really wasn't the you that you are at that moment? This is why I don't let her out, because having A.D.D. is the most exciting part of writing and going off on tangents is really not why we are here.
Here's the deal. I am a woman, an emotional species, and a Pisces on top of that. This, makes me a triple threat. Yep, that's right, I said triple threat. Not the kind of triple threat that can sing, dance, and act, because, well, I sing alone in my car. I dance alone or with my 6 year old daughter in our living room when the shades are closed, and I am a horrible liar, therefore the acting is out the window as well. Being that I am an emotional species, a woman, I find my mind wandering to places it probably isn't supposed to be allowed. Details may or may not be relevant here, but I'm not sure I really want to share that much detail at this point. I can feel some sadness stemming from recent events, and am really not sure what to do with it right now. Bottling it never worked very well, but being a Pisces I tend to try and fix everyone and everything around me before fixing me, and so there ya go. The bottle comes out, cork comes out, insert bad emotional shit here, then recork. The problem? The bottle is effing full! I don't know who else puts their shit in there, but that can't possibly be ALL mine!? Maybe it is...but really? Who does that? Me...I know, you don't have to bring it to my attention. I got it. So, I guess it comes down to the fact that I have some more fixing of ME to do. Great. Just what I wanted to focus on. Me. Don't say it's a good thing, because sometimes I scare myself with what I got going on "up there". Have you ever been around and had one of my thought processes explained to you? It can get scary. The fact that I can go from blowing my nose to a Friends episode? Yes, I can do that. And, always do, actually, but mostly just "up there". If you were "up there" as much as me, you could be cra-cray. That's what Khi says, Mom you cra-cray. When did my 6 year old figure out her insight was so important?
Maybe I'll be back again this week, more than likely though, next week!
Here's the deal. I am a woman, an emotional species, and a Pisces on top of that. This, makes me a triple threat. Yep, that's right, I said triple threat. Not the kind of triple threat that can sing, dance, and act, because, well, I sing alone in my car. I dance alone or with my 6 year old daughter in our living room when the shades are closed, and I am a horrible liar, therefore the acting is out the window as well. Being that I am an emotional species, a woman, I find my mind wandering to places it probably isn't supposed to be allowed. Details may or may not be relevant here, but I'm not sure I really want to share that much detail at this point. I can feel some sadness stemming from recent events, and am really not sure what to do with it right now. Bottling it never worked very well, but being a Pisces I tend to try and fix everyone and everything around me before fixing me, and so there ya go. The bottle comes out, cork comes out, insert bad emotional shit here, then recork. The problem? The bottle is effing full! I don't know who else puts their shit in there, but that can't possibly be ALL mine!? Maybe it is...but really? Who does that? Me...I know, you don't have to bring it to my attention. I got it. So, I guess it comes down to the fact that I have some more fixing of ME to do. Great. Just what I wanted to focus on. Me. Don't say it's a good thing, because sometimes I scare myself with what I got going on "up there". Have you ever been around and had one of my thought processes explained to you? It can get scary. The fact that I can go from blowing my nose to a Friends episode? Yes, I can do that. And, always do, actually, but mostly just "up there". If you were "up there" as much as me, you could be cra-cray. That's what Khi says, Mom you cra-cray. When did my 6 year old figure out her insight was so important?
Maybe I'll be back again this week, more than likely though, next week!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
No Matter What...
It's been a while since I've posted, so I thought this would be a great way to make my return to the blogging world. I've changed, I'm a different person than I used to be. We all change though, right? We grow, we develop, we become single, again. My soul search has started again, although I feel like I never lost it this time around. I've tried my best to stay true to me and who I am, unfortunately not losing myself was part of the problem. Details are irrelevant at this point, what is relevant is No Matter What, I am who I am.
1. No Matter What...I will always respect and value myself, even if someone else doesn't. I care about me and that is important.
2. No Matter What...My kids always come first, I do what I do for them. I will help them remember what's important, and hopefully teach them to love the right way.
3. No Matter What...I will not abandon friends or family. Most all have been there for me, or me for them, and without them all, I would not be who I am.
4. No Matter What...I will believe: "Nothing last forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, take chances and never have regrets, because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted." Marilyn Monroe
I believe that there are moments in everyone's life that defines who they are. I don't want this moment to define me, because to me it feels like failure. Although failing, falling on my face, and getting right back up to face the next challenge in life is a great definition of and for me. I guess I'll take it. I'll take it and run with it, because this time, I know who I am. I am a mother, I am a friend, I am a daughter, I am a granddaughter, I am a sister, I am a niece, I am an aunt, I am a grandma, and I am ME.
1. No Matter What...I will always respect and value myself, even if someone else doesn't. I care about me and that is important.
2. No Matter What...My kids always come first, I do what I do for them. I will help them remember what's important, and hopefully teach them to love the right way.
3. No Matter What...I will not abandon friends or family. Most all have been there for me, or me for them, and without them all, I would not be who I am.
4. No Matter What...I will believe: "Nothing last forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, take chances and never have regrets, because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted." Marilyn Monroe
I believe that there are moments in everyone's life that defines who they are. I don't want this moment to define me, because to me it feels like failure. Although failing, falling on my face, and getting right back up to face the next challenge in life is a great definition of and for me. I guess I'll take it. I'll take it and run with it, because this time, I know who I am. I am a mother, I am a friend, I am a daughter, I am a granddaughter, I am a sister, I am a niece, I am an aunt, I am a grandma, and I am ME.
Simple Truths
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