I'm pretty cool...

The last few weeks I've realized I really am kind of a great person. All this time I've spent with myself, soul searching, has brought me to so many splendid conclusions. 5 months ago, I self-destructed. I did crazy things I never dreamed I would be able to bring myself to do. I turned into a person none of you recognized and a person I didn't recognize either. I admit, this year has been a rough one, and the things I did I am not proud of. However, doing and feeling what I did was part of my process. As miserable as I was, my lowest point brought me to where I am now. I've never been one to deal with emotions well, to feel the way I'm supposed to feel and be ok with that. My positiveness has always piggy-backed on some situation in my life that has made me be able to deal with life half way, in a better way. Lately, I've forced myself into dealing with things. Things of the past that have to be brought to the surface in order to get past them. That bottle, well, I broke it. I broke it and just like a black cloud all the shit that I put in there hovered over my head until I started letting the light break through like a ray of sunshine. Not much seems to be left there, minimal amounts of grey, I just started letting it all go. Stopped blaming myself and blaming others. Started dealing with what is. And, what is, well it's the brightest beautiful light I never knew was in me. I remember feeling so much peace when I took the kids to the beach, I'm feeling that again. Like everyday I can go to my beach, and feel that same feeling. Let the light and the warmth in, let the feelings do what they do. Good and bad. If I close myself off, I get nowhere. If I open myself up, I can go anywhere, do anything. Alone, or otherwise, I am me now. And, I hope I never lose that again. Faultering is not an option anymore, sacrificing myself is not an option anymore, and losing myself is NOT an option again. I've lost a lot, but I have gained so much more. I've gained me.

Writer's block

I try and pretend that's why I've been off the grid for 3 months...when really I'm still writing, just not a lot publicly. I've been through a lot of emotional shit this year, and have found sharing doesn't get me far. It causes people to use information against me, turns people against me. I guess I'm realizing this is why I've always been careful to let people get close to me. This happens. It seems that it will always happen. Years of relationships, friendships, turn into nothing because apparently I'm the most exciting thing to talk about. I get that my sharing openly has gotten me this karma. Karma is a bitch, and most times she and I are friends. But, she always makes sure to get even when I fuck with the delicate balance. And that balance has been more delicate than ever lately. I've turned into a different person, someone I never knew I could be, someone I never knew I would be. I'm alone, lonely, and this is my absolute reality. It's me. It's who I am. It's who I always will be. Coming to terms with that, well, it's happening.